Now Is Right On Time

Somebody posted this on my Facebook wall last night and it sent me to bed with gratitude in my heart because for several days now, I've been in a bit of a funk. It was triggered by hearing about a family reunion that took place recently - and to which I was not invited. And yet I heard about it only because people contacted me to say that they were sorry I hadn't been able to make it - apparently they all thought that it had been too far for us to drive. But after searching through my email and phone messages, we're sure that we received nothing about being welcome to join the gathering. It would not have bothered me so much to hear that everyone had gotten together...it only bothered me to hear that they THOUGHT I had been invited and just didn't show up. When in fact, I've been so hungry for family lately that nothing would have kept me away had I known I would be welcome.

So then I've been haunted and plagued by the relentless "why" running helter-skelter through my mind ever since. And that caused another avalanche of regrets and despair, and those old familiar feelings of inferiority and worthlessness because in my mind, the lack of invitation affirmed the fear that my life has been such a disaster and taken such questionable twists and turns as to render me unacceptable in the eyes and hearts of this part of my family. "Beyond Redemption" so to speak.

In my saner, wiser moments, I'm convinced beyond doubt that there is no such thing as being "beyond redemption". I've experienced the mercy and grace of God to such profound and tangible extents, that it is impossible for me to believe that any one of us could ever be beyond His love. And yet, there I was, lost and wallowing in those old fears that I could be wrong and that maybe....

But I resolutely fought back against that tide of despair, clinging to my faith and to the lessons I've learned about God's Love. I wrestled with these old regrets and ancient tapes in my head, and prayed for help in my endeavor to refocus on the positive and good - on GOD'S loving vision for my life - I mean, we can't go back and rewrite history, can we...and having experienced His mercy and tender compassion, it's impossible to conceive that we would be forever banned from His Presence because of stupid choices we've made in the past. The only sane way to keep oneself going is to believe that there is good that can come out of anything and everything...that we can grow and evolve and perhaps even become wounded healers, able to help others who are also lost and wounded along their way.

So I prayed, and wept, and prayed some more, and read inspirational writings, and prayed, nagging Him with my angst and moanings, crawling into His Love for solace, and then slowly began to regain my footing to the point where I could let go of all of that garbage. And then a friend, who knew nothing of all of this, posted this quote on my wall. For me it was the perfect answer to my prayers...a tender, loving response from a tender, loving God who knows the crushing disappointment I feel about myself all too often, who knows the agonizing sadness of those regrets and my ongoing attempts to fumble my way to "better" and "wiser".

My journey has molded me for my greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. I can believe that none of it was lost (or wasted) time - because it has taken EACH and EVERY situation - every twist and turn has had its lessons and wisdoms that He needed me to learn - to bring me to my - not just "my", but HIS "now" for me - and this "now", here today, is RIGHT ON TIME! Hallelujah!!

Maybe my invitation was lost in the mail. Maybe they were just meant to be together the way they gathered, for reasons more profound than any of us know. Now it's okay. I'm okay. I trust again. There will be other gatherings, and the time will be right for me to be there. God answered. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And it is very very good.

Transience

Transience. Transience is something I've been wrestling with for most of my life. On the one hand, the reality that "this too shall pass" is comforting and can get me through just about any unbearable situation. On the other hand, I've always had difficulty watching people leave my life. Death is agonizing because there is not even the hope of ever seeing that person again here on earth. When a person's leaving is due to a move, we can at least comfort ourselves with promises to keep in touch...and we do...for awhile, until time, distance and life's demands pull us in different directions. When a person leaves with no explanation at all, we can be left in a swirl of confusing questions and a sense of unfinished business and unclosed doors. It can often be difficult to move on until we can figure out the "why".

I have abandonment issues. We're not sure why it's as profound as it is, but it is what it is. Therapy hasn't really unlocked the "why", but has helped me to develop coping skills so as not to be as devastated by leave-takings as I used to be. But I'm still profoundly affected when someone leaves my life for whatever reason, and every leave-taking eventually leads me through a myriad of nagging questions always ending with that most painful question of all "why don't they like me?"

Even writing it betrays the childishness behind the inability to let go gracefully. I am much more graceful at letting go now than I used to be. Someone's leaving used to reduce me to a crumpled heap of writhing bafflement, spending hours and days in bed coming to terms with that agony of absence, and figuring out how to tiptoe around the holes that each person leaves behind in my heart. Now I'm more understanding of the transience of life, and that people have to march to their own drumbeats....faith helps when I believe that each person has a purpose they are fulfilling and that "moving on" is God-at-work. It still hurts, but not with such detrimental force.

I love deeply. Each person who comes into my life is such a treasure, I just want to sit at their feet and learn everything there is to learn, both about that person and about everything that person knows. Intense, I know. (I probably would have made a great psychologist!) Perhaps that's why I've retreated into social hibernation, not just because I've lost so many loved ones recently, but because I simply don't always know how to rein in that exuberance with the few that are left...it's easier not to have to figure it out than to keep having to stifle my joy in being with people I enjoy being with.

I've never been able to figure it out. It's the bane of my existence, this whole social interaction facet of life. I've never been able to figure out when too much is too much and too little is too little, maybe because it changes with each person and they just don't know how to teach me or stay around long enough for me to learn. Sadly, what's joy to me appears to be burdensome to them. 

Sigh. This is such a weird topic. But I'm really missing some people right now, people who used to be a vibrant part of my life and now aren't even on the radar anymore. Why? I don't know. And when I don't know why this friendship or that relationship didn't work, how do I learn for the next one so that I don't make the same mistakes over and over again?

Sometimes my head aches with trying to figure it all out. So I don't. I just keep on moving on, hoping that time will heal all wounds and reveal reasons and resolutions.

This too shall pass...

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.  (Anaïs Nin)