Thursday, May 31, 2012

Meaning of Life

"Nothing has meaning except the meaning you give it” (author unknown)

I came across this phrase 2-3 years ago, and it had an immediate, liberating effect on me. And it continues to provoke much pondering and grappling even now. I understood right away the implications for my own life and my brain immediately started unraveling the gravity that I had attached to some circumstances that had been causing great distress for me.

I realized that the choice is - and always has been - up to me - and me alone - what meaning I attach to anything and everything. Somebody else can tell me what I "should" feel about something, and I might go along with it either because I'm young and don't know what I feel about it yet, or because it's just easier to agree, but unless that feeling or significance resounds from within my own self, it will be superficial and unauthentic - and perhaps even distressing and certainly unfulfilling.

And so I was able to go back over some life events that had continued to haunt me with regret and bafflement. In most instances, I was able to see that I had allowed others to influence me in how to feel or respond to those circumstances...and more importantly, that it was no longer the way I felt or wanted to respond now. I was able to re-label those circumstances as simply life experiences that had grown me in a certain direction, and I was able to see the value and gift of the experiences in my here and now...thereby allowing me to change the meaning from "bad" to "good". I did that. I chose to revoke the negative meaning I had once given those experiences and replace it with a new meaning, based entirely on my decision that it be so.

Very powerful stuff. And that's not to ignore all the implications on a societal level...I don't really want to go into how this concept could cause potential havoc within societal norms and legal systems. I'm speaking solely on the self level, in regard to experiences and circumstances that we go through and which may have taken on a life of their own simply because we attached that degree of meaning to them - which isn't written in stone. We can at any moment choose to attach a different significance and meaning to anything that happens to us. The change might evolve out of further life experience, wise counsel from others who have "been there, done that" and are able to provide fresh perspective and insight into the dynamics surrounding those events.

Our filters change and evolve. We learn new things about the other people involved. We learn new things about ourselves and the emotions that were at play at the time. We are more able to see the many facets of the circumstances from the safe distance of "now" than we could have at the time of being totally immersed in the emotional firestorm or catastrophic impact of that moment.

I've learned, and continue to learn, how to be more careful in labeling experiences now. I've never liked being measured and defined by someone else's yardstick, and I've never liked feeling that I have to believe something just because someone else expects it of me because that's how THEY feel or believe. I cherish the empowerment of allowing myself to examine the circumstances and give a name to the specific impact they have on me personally. In any given set of circumstances, event or encounter, it's up to me to decide what level of meaning, if any, to attach. I am no longer bound by the yardstick that others use to measure importance and value. If I choose to perceive an experience or event or encounter as "good" because I can see that it is leading me further in the direction I'm choosing to follow, then that's what that experience IS for me. Someone else in the exact same set of circumstances or event or encounter might choose to see it entirely different, but that's his/her choice, not mine.

I will no longer be a prisoner of someone else's definition of me.

I can now allow others to be other, and give myself permission to be me. And to that - the liberty and empowerment of choice and self-definition - I give meaning.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Rant about Unanticipating Ripple Effects

One of the things in life that really peeves me off is having to fumble my way through the impacts and ripple effects caused by the actions of other people who do stupid things without any consideration of how those actions will impact on everyone else around them. It's hard enough when the rubble I'm fumbling through is the fallout from my own choices. But it's mind-blowing when the choices of another person result in an impact that is brutally life-changing and destructive ripple effects that affect the lives of many other people in countless painful ways.

I think it's safe to say that we've all done it, we've all made questionable unwise choices that had some impact further down the road. The newspapers - and prisons - are full of stories of spur-of-the-moment choices that went terribly wrong and resulted in injury or death to other bystanders, most of whom had no say or input into those choices but were nevertheless victims forced to face the brutal impact of those thoughtless actions.

Why? Rhetorical question, because the answers are as varied as the people who make those stupid choices. Many don't even know why themselves. One moment they're normal - even upstanding - citizens with whole brilliant lives ahead of them. The next they're making some stupid move that will forever change the lives of everyone around them, forgetting to stop just long enough to allow themselves to see the possible ramifications, impact and ripple effect if they go through with this course of action. Would that foresight be enough to stop anyone? Or are we/they so sure that they're doing the right thing that nothing will convince them otherwise?

I don't know the answer. All I know is the reality of what happens when someone does not anticipate the impact and ripple effects of what they're about to do. Hindsight is 20/20...most of us are capable of looking back and seeing the other choices that we could have made at the time. But there is no going back to rewrite history. We're stuck with the consequences of the actions that we DID take. And, although it's a choice to stay or leave, regardless, we're still stuck with the consequences of the actions that others took.

Life is fast-paced for some of us these days. It often feels like we don't have the luxury of time to consider all of our options...the old "you snooze, you lose" mentality! But I wish we would all just slow down long enough to consider the impact and ripple effects of the choices that we make, perhaps not for every one of our  day-to-day minutiae, but certainly in the choices that we should already know will affect other people besides ourselves.

Our actions have the potential for severe repercussions, and unimaginably painful ripple effects.

Maybe we could do a little more looking before we leap?





Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Favourite Quotes

I don't really have anything specific to talk about today, but have been wanting to put a bunch of favourite quotes and excerpts together in one place. This seemed to be as good a place as any to start. So this page will be a constant "work in progress" as new quotes cross my path and get added here. (Amendment: I enjoy collecting quotes so much that I've decided to create another blog specifically for my quote collection - come and visit my Quote Blog for more!)

"Does that mean," asked Mack, "that all roads will lead to you?"
"Not at all,", smiled Jesus as he reached for the door handle to the shop. "Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you." (WM. Paul Young, The Shack)
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves you too full to embrace the present.-Jan Glidewell
 "You don't think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking." (Henri Nouwen)
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  (Maya Angelou)
 (I used to hate doing dishes until I read this on a plaque on my aunt's kitchen wall)
Thank God For Dirty Dishes
Author Unknown

Thank God for dirty dishes;
They have a tale to tell.
While others may go hungry,
We're eating very well
With home, health, and happiness,
I shouldn't want to fuss;
For by the stack of evidence,
God's been very good to us.

 "We live in a world of disposable things but you are not one of them. You are irreplaceable, one of a kind and there will never be another you. You are not disposable. Do not let anyone tell you differently" (unknown)
 
"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly" (anonymous)

"the secret to having it all is knowing that you already do" (unknown)

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” (Howard Thurman)


“If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.
If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.”
Lao Tzu

Today You are You,
that is truer than true
there is no one alive
who is Youer than You
(Dr Seus)




 

Monday, May 28, 2012

Laughter

It's getting easier to laugh now. For a very long time, laughter was elusive. I've always enjoyed a really good belly-jiggling laugh, but haven't had one of those in - well, I can't remember the last time I laughed like that. But it's coming back. It startles me sometimes to be sitting in my chair watching TV and suddenly hear myself laughing.

Laughter is one of the most contagiously delicious sounds in the world to me. I have a great respect for people who can make other people laugh. People like Danny Kaye, Bob Hope and Betty White awe me. One show that used to make me laugh was "Whose Line is It Anyway", with Drew Carey, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. It wasn't my husband's favourite show, he rarely got the humour, but I did, and they did what very few have ever been able to do, make me laugh until I cried. They awe me in their ability to bring such joyful moments into other people's lives...I want to do that too!!!

But over the past few years, even a simple chuckle has been hard to come by. I still appreciate humour and a good joke, but the appreciation doesn't quite unfold into much more than a reluctant titter. Someone once suggested humour therapy, but I never did manage to find a session that was open for me to join. They were only for cancer survivors, and although I technically am one, apparently I slipped through the cracks for admission into one of these support groups.

But I keep myself open to further healing of that seemingly wounded funny bone. It's comforting and a relief to feel laughter spontaneously bubbling up without effort now. There's a commercial on television with lots of babies laughing - it's very contagious and both hubby and I usually end up chuckling along. It's a joy to hear anyone laughing, but I have to admit that it's an exultant joy to hear genuine laughter coming out of my own mouth and realize that I've finally found my way through to this side of the mountain.

We've come a long way, baby...


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Loneliness

For as long as I can remember, I've had two constant companions-along-the-way...God and loneliness. My earliest memory is from when I was 3 years old, sitting on Mrs. Brownridge's lap in the rocking chair listening to her "read" me stories out of the Bible. It would be years later before I realized that although she had her Bible open, she was actually telling these stories in a way that a young child could understand. She made the characters come to life and over time, many of these characters became best friends...Daniel in the lion's den, the Good Samaritan, Joseph, Jonah, Noah, and most of all, Jesus. How I loved to hear these stories. And I loved the wonderful songs that I learned in Sunday School - Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam, Can a Little Child Like Me - all were beloved treasures in my early childhood repertoire. So God was very much a part of my life right from those earliest years. And although my life has taken many unkind twists and turns and I've had to wrestle with God and even walk away from Him when His silence was too much to bear, He remains my most constant companion-along-the-way.

There are still too many unanswered questions and still some hurt in me over what my heart still sees as a betrayal in allowing Gary to die, but I've come to peace with the silence and the unknowing...I realized somewhere along the way that my love for God is not conditional on what He can give or do for me, but just because He is, and because He has been such an intimate, intrinsic part of my life for my entire life...I just love Him. I can still feel anger and hurt and betrayal, those are human responses to painful events in my life. But underneath it all and above it all is this unshakeable (and believe me, life has tried its best to shake it out of me!) love. I know I still have a very long way to go, I still don't REALLY "get" that I myself am loved. But we're okay now for all that we've been through together. It's been a very long road.

And it's often been a very lonely road. For as long as I can remember, loneliness has also been a constant companion. After 57 years, I still don't have a clear notion of the why of that constant loneliness, although I strongly suspect now that loneliness might be the shadow side of solitude. I constantly waffle between the two. Sometimes being alone is nourishing and rich...sometimes being alone is painful and sad. It's not even that I "do" or think any differently...I can be thoroughly enjoying my solitude one moment, and then suddenly without warning it darkens into an intense loneliness.

I've learned over the years to find ways to manage, or escape it. When that intense loneliness threatens to suffocate me, I immediately find something different to do...gardening, playing piano or cleaning the bathroom.  If I'm already doing something and the loneliness creeps in, I sit down and start writing emails to friends, or praying, or researching something interesting on the Internet - anything to keep that loneliness from becoming too deep a hole for me to get out of if I allow myself to linger long there.

We've tried to dig up the reasons for that constant loneliness...years of therapy have uncovered all sorts of fascinating possibilities, but one can only dig around for so long before it becomes more tiresome and problematic than the original problem. So I've just decided that it appears to be something I just have to learn how to co-exist with. And so I do. And I'm doing well with it, most of the time. Sometimes it hits hard, and it baffles me how and when it can hit. As cliche as this sounds, the worst loneliness of all is when I'm surrounded by people. That's never made sense to me, and even frustrates me, because it makes no sense, especially when the people surrounding me are loved ones, family and friends.

I do find it baffling that God and loneliness have been my constant companions....it seems like an odd juxtaposition. I mean, why couldn't it have been God and Joy, or God and Peace, or God and Contentment...any of those would have made such lovely constant companions - and I've tried everything to make it happen. But no, for some reason that only God Himself knows, loneliness is it. Since I've tried everything I know of to change it, and it still is what it is, the only thing left for me to do for now is to change my attitude about it, change the way I think about it.

So I try to embrace that loneliness, because I do trust, now, that somewhere in its murky midst lies the golden nugget of wisdom and learning that's waiting and meant to be found. I do sort of like the adventure of figuring it out. It reminds me of  how a multi-faceted prism can reflect (refract?) a single ray of light into a beautiful rainbow. Somewhere in the depths of this loneliness lies that beautiful rainbow waiting for the Light to shine its way through just the right shards and facets of my understanding.

I look forward to that day when suddenly, without warning, I discover that Joy, Peace and Contentment have quietly and without any fanfare or grandiose triumphalism, become my new constant companions.


"But the more I think about loneliness, the more I think that the wound of loneliness is like the Grand Canyon – a deep incision in the surface of our existence which has become an inexhaustible source of beauty and self-understanding.. The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift." (Henri Nouwen)

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Comforting Clutter

A few months ago, our elderly (90-year-old) neighbours had to move suddenly to a nursing home, leaving behind their home of 30+ years. A three-story townhouse with every nook and cranny jam-packed full of life and living. We have been helping their children and grandchildren to clean the house out. It has been a long, arduous, never-ending task. Along the way, we've found some neat little treasures that have since found a home amongst our own clutter and collections. But most of the stuff has sadly been boxed up and taken to various charity stores.

This is the 6th home that we've helped to clean out like this in the past 12 years. First an elderly aunt's, then our family home after Dad died, then the cottage which had been our second home for over 30 years, then Mom's apartment after she died, and then the hardest one of all, Gary's apartment after he died (so much of what we had to sort through at Gary's had already been cleaned out of the house, cottage and Mom's!)

It evokes such sadness in me to see a life's worth of treasured mementos and knick-knacks packed up and carted away, or worse, tossed into the garbage heap. To see an entire lifetime reduced to a few boxes stacked in a corner in our basement and a container of ashes sitting on a dusty shelf.

I know that's the cycle of life. I know it has to be that way. But it still makes me very sad.

We have managed to pick out a few treasured items from each clean-out. I especially cherish anything that my Dad built by hand: handy little side tables, a beautiful old buffet that he built when I was a baby, a small old blue cabinet that Dad and Gary fixed up for Gary's fort at the cottage - it almost ended up in the garbage, but I rescued it and insisted that hubby fix it, which he did, and it's now is a much-prized treasure in our entryway.

Our house is overflowing with stuff, but each piece is a precious reminder of the hands that touched it and the lives that enjoyed it through so many years. I picked out each piece precisely because it has memories attached to it, and I couldn't bear to toss away anything that in any way kept a loved one closer.

They're only old things to a stranger, but to me, they're so much more than mere clutter. To me, they bring an inexplicable comfort to my heart; just to pass them in the hallway, or to touch them with my hand now and then somehow brings them back to life - it's as if I can feel the presence and hear the echoes of all of my loved ones who built, used and touched these things throughout so many years of our lives together.

Comforting clutter. Someday, somebody will be cleaning out my home, and will wonder at the motley collection of old junk. They will probably be in a hurry to get the job done and will toss these things into boxes and garbage heaps, not lingering on the "why" of their presence in my home, or aware of the memories and comfort they brought to me over the years since each loved one's passing.

It's okay...these "things" will have served us all well in the time and space that was theirs to serve and it will be time for them to move on or be disposed of.

But for me, here and now, I need and cherish each and every memory of each and every piece of my comforting clutter.

Everytime I pass by this blue cabinet, it whispers "Gary was here"

Friday, May 25, 2012

Constant Paradox - Gratitude vs Yearning

So I started out this morning by collecting quotes and images for a blog on Gratitude. Specifically how contagious gratitude can be. When I read someone else's expressions of gratitude, it reminds me of how grateful I am for so much. When I see someone on television weeping tears of joy and gratitude for whatever reason, I usually end up weeping right along with them, tears of gratitude for all the blessings and richness in my own life and journey.

So it was fun, rummaging through images that expressed Gratitude, and peeking through other people's collections of quotes and insights. I copied and pasted quite a few, not sure which ones I would want to use here today.

As the morning progressed, plans changed, of course (see my blog on interruptions), and I ended up concocting a new healthy cookie recipe for my husband, who is type 2 diabetic and whose sugar has been out of whack lately, but who really enjoys having a wee bit of dessert. So I adapted an old favourite and substituted lots of healthy ingredients into it - whole wheat flour, dark chocolate chips (presuming that the experts are correct in promoting the health benefits of dark chocolate), wheat germ, oatmeal, unsweetened applesauce (which allowed me to cut the butter from 1 cup to 1/4 cup), and dates (he also has chronically low iron). So that took me awhile, but all the time I spent putting the cookies together, I was still thinking about my gratitude blog.

Then out of nowhere, literally out of NOWHERE, I started sobbing. Deep, gut-wrenching sobs that keeled me over in emotional agony. Without any warning whatsoever on this beautiful sunny morning jam-packed with gratitude, grief hit hard. I miss my family with every aching cell in my body. My Dad, Mom and youngest brother Gary all died within the past few years. I haven't seen either of my other two brothers in a couple of years, or my 3 nieces. We used to be such a close-knit family, but when Gary died, we all shattered, individually and also as a family. We're all still mending, and it still hurts to be together because there are so many empty chairs around the table. We know we should be focusing on the positive, but it's still too difficult to ignore the obvious holes in our gatherings. So we email each other and some of us connect on Facebook. But it's not like the family gatherings of old, with hugs and story-telling and laughter ringing around the room. The holes are still too gaping - and raw - even after all these years.

There in my kitchen, I had my little pity-party, then resolutely turned my focus back on the subject of Gratitude. Gratitude is the only way I've been able to survive and thrive beyond all the grief and sadness and rough (lonely) roads of the past few years. Focusing on "what is" and turning my mind around to see that "Gratitude really does turn what I have into enough" has been my full-time job. "What is here and now" has to be enough, because it's all I have....longing for "what was" pushes me into dark places I don't want to go anymore. Constantly chasing after "more" and "better" is fruitless, because until I truly believe that what I have here and now IS ENOUGH, nothing will EVER be enough. It's all in the mindset. On a day-to-day basis, my attitude literally makes or breaks me. Gratitude is the road I've chosen.

I had my Dad for 45 years, my Mom for 47, and my brother for 42. I'm luckier than many others who have lost family members earlier in their lives, or didn't even have a father or a mother or a brother. I'm very VERY grateful for the years and experiences that we DID have together. I don't know if I'll ever heal or evolve to the point where I can honestly say that it was enough...how can it ever feel like enough after death has severed - stolen - the dreams and horizons that we carried in our hearts for and with those loved ones?!

I still yearn for more time with all or any of them...but maybe, for now, I can at least make peace - and find some semblance of contentment - with half-and-half. With paradox. The constant paradox of knowing that more time with them would have been better, but also knowing that what time we did have was precious and wonderful and so I am grateful.

Yearning and gratitude. My constant paradox.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Marriage Musings - Navigating Issues

I don't like friction or confrontation. Unfortunately, I'm constantly rediscovering how good I am at fostering both. And even as I'm being frictional (with hubby), I'm mindful that I don't want to be dealing with the situation like this. Sometimes it's enough to help me to take a deep breath and try another gentler tactic. And rarely do I ever completely ignore that little voice inside of me telling my BIG voice to stop...usually I do a little bit of both. One more shot, then gentle up. It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like the way I speak to him sometimes, yet at the same time, I DO understand the "why" behind my angst and anger. It's a legitimate anger, and it stems from wounds that still haven't fully healed yet, but that doesn't give me carte blanche to unleash it in whatever destructive way it wantonly wants to leak out. I want to admit that it's there, recognize that it often undermines any attempt to deal with issues in a sane, rational, calm matter, and then I REALLY want to be able to resolutely STOP that angry behaviour and change over to a more sane, rational, calm demeanor.

I've been working on that change for a long time. And thankfully, hubby understands where I'm coming from and how hard I'm working on moving us beyond the "why" and into new, higher ground for our relationship.

It's still so very frustrating. Sometimes I just want to scream, but not here, and not in front of him. I want to climb a mountain, scrabble my way through the rocks and dirt with my bare hands, then get to the top all dusty and hot and sweaty and just scream until there are no screams left inside of me. Here, now, in this place, I'm too civilized to allow myself the luxury and release that a really good scream would give me. So I suspect that those unexpressed screams are leaking out in smaller doses in other ways when the issue-at-hand gets too frustrating for me to handle with my nicer, civilized self.

Sigh. I'm glad we're still so much in love with each other that we're able to eventually move on beyond the confrontation and actually learn lessons for when the next issue arises, because if there's anything I've learned about marriage it's that there will always be "next issue".

Still evolving...





Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Sunny Mornings

Perhaps it's because I spent so many years lost in dark depression and incapacitated by profound fatigue that the sun is so deliciously glorious to me now. After so many years of not even wanting to get out of bed, now I can't wait to rise and greet the morning. The first thing I do every morning, early, around 5am at this time of year, is to open the blinds and see what the sky looks like. My favourite is when the dark sky is streaked with the pinks and golds of the impending sunrise. Or when there is one long dark cloud stretching across the horizon and the sun is rising right behind that cloud and so its golden rays look like they're stretching all the way from heaven to earth. The ultimate delight comes when the sun sparkles its way through my window and onto my bed. I love to jump back into bed and bathe in those sparkles of warmth and light.

No matter how it begins its day, the sun always makes me feel alive and warm and energized. When I open my window and hear the birds chirping happily (I dare to presume they're happy, though they could conceivably be telling each other to get out of the feeder so others can have a bite too), and the little fountain babbling in the backyard and smell the fragrance of lilacs and roses wafting through the morning air, my heart feels like it's going to burst with joy...I'm so glad to be alive.

I haven't always been able to say that. So it's a miracle, a gift, a testament to God's love, grace, mercy and compassion that it can now bubble up from deep within me with such passion that it lifts my arms into the air and my heart sings out "Hallelujah! It's a great day to be alive!"









Monday, May 21, 2012

Quiet Desperation

Despite years of working on “rewiring my attic” in order to evolve past old thought patterns, it still sneaks in with a whisper that reawakens an avalanche of shuddering fears. The only words I can find to accurately articulate it is “quiet desperation”. It ripples through my entire being with old feelings of emptiness and futility. It usually creeps in late at night. I’m sad that it’s still able to haunt me, even though most of my conscious thoughts nowadays focus on gratitude and contentment. I try to keep my mind busy so that it cannot take root, but perhaps I need to acknowledge its existence because it’s a reminder that there’s still work to be done. Maybe instead of allowing it to surprise me like that, I need to fling hope and truth into it the moment it begins its onslaught.

I’ve long felt healed beyond “desperation”. There was a time when quiet desperation WAS my constant companion through seemingly endless dark nights of the soul and long stretches of incapacitation. But it’s not my truth anymore. So where do those whispers echo from?

I know there is still a lingering aching in my being over the loss of my family…Dad, Mom, my brother Gary, a long list of aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and beloved in-laws. Individually they’ve each left huge holes in my heart, but collectively their passings and absences have pulled so many rugs out from under my feet that I often don’t feel like there’s any stable ground left to stand on. It’s not true, but it’s how I feel. And I have to quickly (desperately?) throw truths into those feelings to calm the panic that threatens to suffocate me with an overwhelming sense of aloneness and emptiness.

But the truth is that my life now is rich and overflowing with more than I could ever have imagined possible in those darker chapters of my journey. And yet, this feeling of utter emptiness continues to undermine the joy and contentment that I yearn for. I’ve worked hard over the years to turn my focus away from “what’s not and never will be again” to “what IS here and now”. And I’ve come a long way. But clearly not far enough to have eradicated those remnant shudders of quiet desperation.

They creep in without warning, cringing through my mind with their fears and sorrows. I stay busy, and that helps. But the best way I know to deal with them now is to pray, and to turn my whole being to the Light and Love of God, family, friends and even the healed self who deep inside trusts that all is well. I do believe that those whispers of quiet desperation will, in time, be healed into whispers of quiet joy and contentment.

Tea Musings

Many, many years ago in what now feels like a whole other life, maybe even a dream, I went on an elementary  school trip to Niagara Falls. As beautiful as the sights were, the memory that stands out from that day is finding a little red ceramic tea pot and using all of my pocket money to buy it as a souvenir for my Mom. Red was her favourite colour and for some strange reason, this little tea pot seemed the perfect gift. She was delighted with it and for 30+ years this little red tea pot sat proudly in the prized middle spot of the top shelf of a shelving unit that sat between the kitchen and dining room. I realized many, many years later that Mom rarely ever drank tea, but it didn't matter, she loved that little red pot.

When my Mom passed away in 2001, one of the knick-knacks that I most wanted - no, NEEDED - was that little red tea pot. But unlike my Mom, I did use it, and have been using it every day since to steep my morning tea. It's only big enough to make one cup, plus a little extra for hubby to throw in his gravy later in the day. The tea that comes out of that little pot is the best I've ever tasted. And for that reason, we never wash the inside of that tea pot (traditionally you're never supposed to wash the inside of the pot, you just rinse out the old leaves.) As I was washing the outside of the pot this morning, it got me to thinking about the history of this pot and how much pleasure it has given out of those dark inner depths. And then my thoughts segwayed to my own dark inner depths and how hard I've tried, over the years, to scrub out the black stains that I believe to be in there.

[I think now, in hindsight, that I may well have suffered from scrupulosity for many years. I won't go into THOSE murky depths, but suffice to say that it wasn't easy being me, and I'm glad that I don't think that way anymore. Well, maybe there is still some residue, but overall I've come a long way from that level of self-castigation - and in my understanding of Grace and Mercy.]

I'm not sure that it's always beneficial to go stomping through those inner depths with fierce determination to hack away at what we perceive to be our flaws, or to scrub with such vigour at our perceived inner stains. I think, now, after years of doing precisely that within my own psyche, that we risk ripping ourselves apart at the seams, so to speak. And I think that THOSE wounds, the wounds that we inflict upon our own selves through our well-intentioned but unkind ruthlessness, take much longer to heal because as we go in there, hacking and scrubbing away, we are telling ourselves all sorts of ugly "truths" about ourselves that in all likelihood are NOT truths at all, but lies that people have been telling us all of our lives and that we have bought into...when the lies become too intolerable for us to live by, when we buy into the fear that we are beyond redemption, we desperately delve into those depths believing we have to eradicate the stains in order to be acceptable and worthy.

At some point we have to come to peace with our journey and self, and realize that sometimes the best way to deal with those dark inner depths is with appreciation for all the gifts and goodness that have been steeped in there. It's out of our history and the unique blending and steeping together of our experiences (good and bad), the evolution of our thought processes as we make our way through those experiences and the lessons learned along the way that make us wiser wounded healers today. It's out of our own pain and stains that we are able to find the compassion and wisdom to help others as they grapple with THEIR pains and stains.

Instead of scrubbing out the pot, I can allow myself to view those dark inner depths in a completely different light...instead of seeing what I previously perceived as ugly and disgusting, I can see how the journeying has evolved into this rich steeped wisdom now pouring out from within those depths - that's gift!

I love a good cup of tea. I love the idea of BEING good steeped tea. Embrace the steeping!


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Living Interrupted

I've been trying to find a wee slice of time all day to sit and jot down a few thoughts. Like most days lately, the constant interruptions became the day itself. I'm a big Henri Nouwen fan, and one of my favourite Nouwen "themes" is his premise that instead of complaining about how interruptions are nuisances that keep us from living our lives, we can embrace the interruptions as gifts and opportunities...in other words, interruptions aren't keeping us from our lives, interruptions ARE our lives. I try to live like that. I might start the day out with a plan, complete with a list of things to do...but more often I end up having a much better day because the interruptions have taken me to better places and richer encounters than I might otherwise have experienced (though we'll never really know, will we, since I never got to experience the original plan).

I like the mystery of possibility...I like believing that the people we encounter within those "interruptions" are quite possibly the whole reason we wake up in the morning.

Today, we ended up in one of those huge box stores. We don't normally shop on Sundays, but had a house guest who can only shop at this particular store while visiting us because we're members and she's not. So we went. It was very crowded and difficult to get around and I wasn't all that thrilled to be there. But we bumped into one of our favourite employees and I had the opportunity to chat with him for a few moments. And I told him that he had been coming to my mind all week, and I didn't know why, so had been carrying him in my daily prayer for several days. His eyes started to water up as he told me that he was going through a very difficult time lately and that it meant so much to him to know that God cared enough about him and his ordeal to plant in my heart the desire to pray for this man. I could tell that it touched him deeply.

About 30 minutes later, he found me in another part of the store and asked me to follow him. He led me to his brother, also an employee there, and introduced me as the woman that God had asked to pray for him. His brother clearly had trouble holding back the tears as he told me that I could not know how much it meant to him. 

I left feeling so grateful to God for having planted in my heart the need to pray for this man, grateful to experience yet again the tender compassion of a God who wanted to let two sad men know they were not alone, and grateful to have encountered these two men today and to see how comforted and encouraged they were by the simple act of someone praying for them.

It was clear that this "interruption" was no accident. And definitely a better day because of it.


 “You don't think your way into a new kind of living.
 You live your way into a new kind of thinking.”
Henri J.M. Nouwen

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Wings and Beginnings

Sometimes I feel that all it would take for me to soar is the ability to correctly articulate what exactly it is that keeps me tethered to the ground...but then as soon as I articulate one issue and maybe even a solution, another obstacle looms and blocks my path. I'm beginning to think that soaring isn't the destination. Perhaps it's precisely in the journeying, in the striving to search out, articulate, heal and rise above each wound. There is a thrill in realizing that one is evolving forward and upward, in recognizing and embracing these seemingly insignificant day-to-day discoveries. Is it possible that true happiness comes not from the final picture but in the very act of connecting the dots?

I love to write. Writing releases something in me that needs wings, writing helps me find sky in which to fly, writing opens doors and windows that I often don't even realize were possible, writing helps me breathe out the old and dusty, and to breathe in the new and possible.

My hope is that maybe writing here in this blog will let some light into these dusty old hallways and help me to clear out the cobwebs of thinking processes that just don't work for me anymore and bring life into the nooks and crannies of a soul that has been feeling somewhat withered and frayed for far too long. If you happen to stumble upon this little corner of cyberspace, I hope that you too might find breaths of fresh air here and there, or perhaps even sparks of kindred spirit and companionship-along-the-way.

My faith is vital to me. So my spirituality will be - has to be - interwoven into every breath I take and every word I write...we are inseparable, He and I. I make no excuses for that, I would not be here today without His mercy and help through some very long and lonely stretches of dark nights of the soul. As close as we are though, and even as I'm crawling into Him for sanctuary, I still doubt and I still rage against His silence when I need answers and there are none.

I do not seek to proselytize, nor do I want to hear it. My faith journey is my own, my spirituality is sacred to me, and in this place, I need the freedom to explore and wrestle with all that needs to find expression - and be open to all that wants to find me from within that wrestling and stretching.

Take me as I am. Come in, take your shoes off and rest awhile with me on this sacred ground of a soul searching for her spirit wings and little pieces of sky to soar through.