Sunday, August 5, 2012

We're Moving To Another Blog Site

After much thought and pondering - and importing - I've decided to follow Ruth to Wordpress and continue my blog there...I hope this all transitions smoothly for all of us.

Please join me over here at http://eagleborn2fly.wordpress.com/ and see how we do in our new home.

If I can figure out how to disable commenting on this site, I will...hopefully you'll come and make new comments over at the new site.

I'm not sure how this will affect current followers...I apologize for the inconvenience...I'm working on figuring it out...I don't think if you're following here, you will automatically be following me over there. sigh. Hopefully you can connect through Facebook for the time being.

Wrestling With Purpose

It sneaks in through my insecurity; it gnaws at my soul like an unreachable itch; it haunts like an endless aching hunger. I wrestle with it, then reach some sort of truce, even experience nice stretches of contentment; then it whispers in again, often late at night, and won't go away until I give it what it begs for - but I still don't have the definitive answer, so the best I can do is placate it with words and blind reassurance.

Purpose.

I've asked the question in other forums and of many people. How do you know what your purpose in life is? Is it a once-and-for-all purpose? Or does it evolve as we evolve? Do we spend our lives learning lessons and developing skills in order to eventually fulfill our purpose? Or are those  experiences and encounters in themselves our purpose already unfolding?

I think that in my early adult years I may have confused my vocation with my purpose. I was convinced that my calling in life was to have children, dozens of children, some of my own and the rest adopted. For so many years, from as early as 5 years of age, all I wanted was to adopt children that nobody else wanted. And so I lived as if that was what was going to happen - and waited and waited for it to unfold. I took college courses in childcare to prepare myself. I searched for the life partner who would have the same vision and calling. As time went by and neither the husband or opportunity - or financial and physical ability - showed up to help make the dream happen, I was forced by circumstances to busy myself with other endeavors and other career choices. After a massive burnout, several severe bouts of profound depression, chronic debilitating fatigue and a body that would never physically be able to carry children, the dream became impossible. Not only would I never be able to have children of my own, I would also never be approved for adoption because of my history of depression.

Because of the severe fatigue, the loss of that dream didn't hit so hard...I was too tired to look after children anyway, so it was actually a relief to be able to let go of that particular calling. Imagine, trying to cope with a dozen children when I could barely get myself out of bed. Clearly that dream was not within my reach.

Through years of hard work, therapy and perseverance in focusing on gratitude and positive attitude (I call it "rewiring the attic"), I did rise from the ashes and rubble of those days of profound depression and severe debilitation.  I'm proud of my progress, and delighted to be in a good, stable, positive place with more reliable energy and motivation than I've felt since the early 1980's. I've come a very very long way.

But the one thing that didn't make it to my here-and-now is a new-and-improved sense of purpose. It's still a very fuzzy haze of confusion and unknowing...many of the answers that have emerged out of the many wrestlings do sort of click, but not enough to make the lasting impact that I'm searching for. When I was at my worst, so debilitated by fatigue as to be bedridden for long stretches of time, I remember sobbing and asking God what on earth I could possibly be good for anymore. The answer was clear and simple - you can always pray. It immediately brought peace, and for many years, that was the answer I fell back on whenever the question would haunt me again. And God seemed to be very serious about it, to the point of waking me up at night with vivid images of people and global situations to pray for (many of which don't even ever show up in the newspapers or TV newscasts, so would never have come to my mind by themselves because I couldn't even conceive of such misery and need when all of this first began). I am not able to fall back to sleep again until I pray for these people and situations. This continues even today, not only at night, but constantly...constant beckonings and callings to pray for a never-ending stream of names, people and circumstances. There's no doubt in my mind and heart that this is indeed something I'm meant to do. And I love to do it, I love to pray...even when I'm in the middle of a mall, or restaurant, or the hustle and bustle of a crowded city street, I can feel my spirit constantly praying for healing and blessings on the people I encounter and pass along the way.

But for some reason, there's still something inside of me that can't accept that it's enough...at the end of each day, as I thank God for the blessings and wonders of that day, I also find myself asking, yet again, that my eyes and heart be opened to see and fulfill my purpose, my reason for being here. The answers are always the same: pray, love (learn how to love and to be loved) and be light. One of my very favourite scripture verses is from Micah 6:8, and I hug it close to my heart as one of the most beloved answers to my quest for what I'm here to do:  
What does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy  
and to walk humbly with your God.
 I can do that. I'm learning more and more about love and mercy every moment. And humility? I can only laugh, because one of the most constant situations I encounter - everywhere I go - is the empty toilet paper roller - I'm serious!! It happens so much that I've actually asked God, half-joking, half-whining, if that was my purpose in life, to change the toilet paper rolls everywhere I go...I think He may have actually answered me by asking "well, what if that WAS all I ever asked you to do?" To which I answered, "well, if I knew it was You asking it of me, I would do it with joy." And I swear I saw His eyes sparkle...and so I change the toilet paper roll everywhere I go, with joy and gratitude, and a little knowing glance and chuckle at that twinkle in His eye.

At this point in time, I honestly don't know if it's enough, if these "very little things" can really be my purpose in life. There doesn't seem to be a definitive answer that will silence that questioning or feed that yearning...but maybe we're not meant to know all the facets or nooks and crannies of our purpose. Maybe for some of us, it really does evolve as the day evolves. Some people do seem to have a better grasp of what they're meant to do, I would like to experience that sense of accomplishment and contentment, but will probably have to continue wrestling with whatever it is within me that is blocking that sense of "being enough".

For now I'll continue to pray, love, and be light wherever possible. And change the toilet paper rolls everywhere I go.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

My New Regime is Working!

About 2 months ago, in June, my doctor reluctantly diagnosed me as having Type 2 Diabetes. I was right on the border...my test came back at 7.1 and the official number is 7.0. Since then I've been monitoring my own glucose levels and have been keeping track of the triggers and tweaking my diet accordingly.

At first, I was quite lost. She (my doctor) had not referred me to a dietician, and I found it very confusing to know where to start in terms of what to cut and what to keep in my diet. Thankfully my brother had been through this years ago and sent me an email with the changes which had worked for him. So those recommendations became my new regime. Since then, I've tweaked it a bit to suit our lifestyle, and for the most part, it's working very well. So well in terms of losing weight, that I've had to slow down because I need to be able to fit into the clothes that I've set aside for our trip to China in the fall. I suspect that if I were to stick to this regime full-time, the weight would start to fall off.

For now, I decided to share my new regime here, for anyone who might be interested. A few disclaimers to start off with: I AM NOT AN EXPERT! Please, before you embark on any new diet or health regime, please consult your own doctor. I've built and tweaked this regime according to my own glucose requirements...I've had to monitor my sugar and weight and tweak my intake accordingly. So results will vary for other people depending on metabolism and various other factors. I make no claims to the "official" healthfulness of this diet or that it would work for anyone else. I'm still tweaking, still experimenting, still prone to being lazy and taking breaks from it now and then to indulge.

This regime is actually super easy. I've been amazed at how simple it really is. And if you watch any television or read Internet and/or magazine articles, you've probably heard this all before. But I'll try to put it altogether into one easy-to-digest format.

To put it bluntly, the primary change I made was to  CUT ALL CARBS AND ADD MORE PROTEIN AND VEGETABLES.

In my first few days of glucose monitoring, when I would test my blood sugar every two hours, I quickly learned that carbohydrates were my primary trigger. I was stunned to see how high just a few mouthfuls of pasta, white bread or Chinese noodles could spike my sugar. So I cut them out, almost completely and immediately noticed the difference in both my sugar levels and weight loss.

Here's what I've cut or reduced for now:

* all pasta (this includes Chinese noodles and even vermicelli)
* all white bread
* all rice
* all sweetened drinks - pop, juices, etc.
* reduced potatoes (I will often eat one mini white or red potato at supper, but then augment it with sweet potato which is a recommended substitute for diabetics)
* reduced caffeine
* reduced condiments (ketchup, sauces, all mayo-type products, salad dressings)

And here's what I've increased:
* protein and vegetables at every meal
* fruit: I try to eat fruit alone only as a snack, but lately I've been eating lots of fruit with yogurt as my dessert and that seems to work okay for me too.
* walking - lots of walking - outside if possible, or at the mall if it's too hot or rainy to walk outside.
* stairs - we have two flights, so I regularly make myself go all the way from upstairs to basement and back upstairs, 2-3 times through the day. 


Cutting the carbs was very difficult to do at the beginning, but I stuck to it. When we were traveling, I didn't always have a choice as to what was served to me, but in those instances, I just cut my portion of carbs to about 1/4 - 1/3 cup per meal. The bottom line for me, because of how my body is reacting to it, is to cut as much of these primary triggers as possible. I can, and do, "cheat" once in awhile (e.g., today I allowed myself a small ice cream cone as an afternoon snack).

So here's my particular regime, meal-by-meal:

Breakfast: Protein! I need to start my day off with a protein, so I start every single morning with one egg (two if I know we're going to be doing a lot of walking with no chance for a snack, for example in Cuba) and lots of vegetables. Typically I saute (in a mixture of about 1 tsp of butter and a drizzle of olive oil) a mixture of veggies, usually onions, mushrooms, celery and red pepper, then scramble in my egg, adding chopped fresh tomatoes and about 2 tbsp of grated cheddar or Jarlsberg cheese (I add the cheese to get some calcium into my diet because I can't drink milk). So I just cook all of that into a scrambled omelet. I drink a full glass of water, and 1 cup of Earl Grey tea...this is the only caffeine I consume all day...any other tea that I might drink through the day is decaffeinated, including the green tea we regularly have in the evening after supper.

Mid-Morning Snack: I often don't eat a snack in the morning, because we're out and about running errands, and the egg usually carries me through til lunch anyway. But if we have a basket of fresh peaches or other yummy summer fruit around, I'll try to eat a peach mid-morning.

Lunch: I find lunch the hardest...because we're used to having sandwiches. But now I use that PROTEIN AND VEGGIES formula again. I will typically prepare a large bowl of salad (lettuce, cucumber, tomato, mushroom, pepper, red onions), chop up one or two slices of turkey, leftover chicken or ham into the salad - and sometimes I'll toss in a bit more cheese (again, about 1-2 tbsp worth) - then drizzle about 1-2 tbsp of salad dressing (my fave is Asian sesame) over top and have that for my lunch. If I'm really hungry and know that that won't fill me, I'll microwave another egg and toss that into the salad as well. The key here is to keep it limited as much as possible to protein and veggies, and only use the dressing sparingly.

Then I'll often eat about 2-3 tbsp of plain yogurt with a colourful medley of fruit - these days my typical serving includes one or two large strawberries, 7-8 blueberries, one peach and 1/2 banana.

Then to finish lunch off, I have one (ONE) small square of dark (72 - 85% cocoa) chocolate. Apparently it's VERY HEALTHY for us...who am I to argue?!

And I drink only water.

Mid-afternoon Snack: For as long as I can remember, I've always had the munchies around 2:30 - 3:00. Trying to ignore that hunger is futile. This is the time of day that I used to eat chips, chocolate, or pastry-type stuff. Now this is the time of day that I might allow myself a small (SMALL) serving of carb...perhaps a small ice cream cone (we buy the smallest cones available). I use a teaspoon to dish out the ice cream, usually about 5-6 tsp will do...the ice cream is a sugar food, but does add a wee bit to my calcium intake.

A healthier alternative would be a fruit smoothie (any fruit or mixture of fruit blended with ice, no dairy), or even just plain fruit. The secret is to not totally deprive yourself, but to reduce and make wiser choices - ice cream, in reduced portion, is a better choice than pastry. Fresh fruit, whether alone or in a smoothie (no dairy or sugar added) is an even better choice.

Supper: Protein and veggies again. We often have 2-3 different veggies every night. This is the only meal where I might allow myself a potato, but only one mini white or red. We now keep a good supply of sweet potatoes on hand and usually have some ready for every meal, so I'll have about 1/3 of a large sweet potato along with the mini. (Hubby just cuts it up into small pieces, adds some onion and basil from the garden and microwaves it - so yummy we never have to add any sweetener [which we used to do]). The protein portion is usually about a fist-sized portion of fish, chicken, sometimes pork or beef, seasoned with salt-reduced spices and herbs from the garden, no sauces! The veggies cover the rest of the plate. No butter (occasionally we do add a wee bit of butter to some olive oil while cooking the meat and/or veggies). Salt-reduced spices. No condiments, except maybe a drizzle of salad dressing when we have salad on the side. It's hard at first, but it doesn't take that long for your tongue to get used to going without those sodium-rich sauces and to enjoy the taste of real food again. Research how to use spices, it's worth it, especially since many spices are super-healthy!

Dessert is usually fruit...sometimes I do allow myself 2 (and only 2) ginger cookies to dunk in my tea....we only drink decaffeinated green tea after supper. If you encounter that fishy taste/smell in green tea, shop around for a brand that you like that doesn't have as strong a smell/taste. Green tea is also very healthy so it's worth the search.

Bedtime Snack: Well, this was a tough one, and I'm still tweaking this. The problem is that if I don't eat before bed, I wake up around 3am so hungry that I can't sleep. So since my diet didn't include enough grains and fibre, I decided to use the bedtime snack as the opportunity to add these to my day. So I bought 3 different boxes of cereal and combined them in a zip-lock bag. Some people can eat bran cereals with no problem, but I can't. They literally gag me. I discovered that if I combine bran with another slightly sweeter cereal, it's much easier to eat. So by the time I combine these 3 cereals (two are high oat and bran fibre, the other an organic blend of various grains sweetened with real maple syrup, which is actually a healthier choice than white sugar), I end up with over 16 different grains (including psyllium, quinoa, flax, buckwheat, amaranth and oat bran, all supposedly vital anti-inflammatory grains that are good especially for women) and even some cinnamon, which is apparently very beneficial for diabetics. So far, it seems to be working okay, though I must make sure I only eat about 1/3 cup or my glucose reading in the morning will be higher than I want it to be. Adding about 2 tbsp of low-fat milk to my cereal also allows me a wee bit more calcium.

So that's it. Add a good 20-30 minute walk (minimum) at least once a day (if my intake increases, especially my carb intake, e.g. because of eating out at a restaurant or someone else's house, I try to add another walk later in the day, or run up and down a few more flights of stairs.)

Since I started this regime two months ago, I've lost 12-14 pounds...I did gain some back while in Toronto because we ate wrap sandwiches for almost every meal. I could be losing more if I wanted to on this regime - but right now I don't want to lose too much more until after our trip to China...I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe for that trip right now.

I hope this helps anyone. It's almost too easy. We've all heard it all before. More protein and veggies; no or reduced carbs; reduce fats (use only olive oil and butter - you do need a bit of fat, so don't cut that out altogether); cut condiments; walk more.

One last trick, when I DO decide to eat some bread (which is rare now), is to buy low-carb multi-grain with only1 gram of sugar per 2 slices - it's admittedly tasteless, BUT it allows me to add jam (especially homemade peach jam) or peanut butter (see addendum re peanut butter in paragraph below - if possible, switch to almond butter) without any significant increase in the sugar and calorie counts.

(Side comment: While it doesn't work for me anymore because of how it spikes my sugar, and because bread DOES bloat me and almost immediately causes significant weight gain, there are many many experts "out there" who recommend, as the best bedtime snack, one slice of whole/multi grain toast with peanut butter...Addendum: watch the sugar in peanut butter! Most brands are loaded. I've switched to an organic product combining almond and cashew butter - no added sugar! And IMO tastes much better.)

So to recap and summarize, I believe that my amazing weight loss results are due primarily to the cutting of carbs, focusing on protein and veggies, and adding more walking to my regime.



Informational links below: please, consult your doctor before embarking on a new diet or health regime!