Blogging The Journey

I started writing this blog because there is a lot of crap going on inside of me, because there was a lot of crap going on in my life for the past few years. The crap has finally settled down...but there is, and will continue to be, fallout to deal with. So my hope is that by pouring some of it out here, it might help me find better ways to get through.

I want my life to make a positive difference. I want my words to bring light and hope and maybe even comfort to anyone who reads them...including my own self, because I too need light and hope for my own journey. It's fun searching through the Internet for positive messages, inspirational quotes and beautiful pictures to share with others, here and on Facebook, but I do it also because of my own need to soak in that beauty and inspiration and positivity. I post these words because I really need them to sink into my own psyche and keep me moving forward and upward. I don't want to get sucked into the darkness that hovers at the edge of my day, waiting to grab me by even the thinnest shred of futility and pull me down into a dark hole too deep to climb my own way out of.

So I write all around it, infusing hope and light, because I know that there has to be hope and light. Even though I might not be feeling positive deep down inside, I hope that by writing it into my script, it will come true.

Because underneath all of these attempts to rewrite myself into a better place is a strong undercurrent of remnant sadness. I still feel bruised by the impact of so much fallout, and lost in the rubble of so many rugs being pulled out from under me recently. I simply don't know how to cope with it all sometimes, it's so overwhelming. So I don't do anything at all, except resolutely plodding on, day after day, breaking each day into manageable chunks of routines and moments, ignoring the ambiguity between where I am and where I want to be. Because if I confront it, it means I'd have to do something about it and I can't...or don't want to have to make any life-altering decisions right now. I need some of these rugs to stay under my feet for now.

I guess that's my coping mechanisms...to just take each day as it comes and deal with it in those smaller  chunks. I wake up in the morning determined to fling open those curtains and breathe in enough of that sunlight and "clean slate" mercy to carry me through the day with enough positivity and gratitude attitude to make it all the way through to that moment when I can fall back into bed again and be grateful to have made it through another day.

My experience has been that when we dwell too long on the negative, we often just end up perpetuating it and never find our way out of it. As valuable as therapy has been throughout my life, there has always come that point when it was time to stop digging around in the dirt and start building something better with whatever is left to build on. So here, I'm trying to use the negative stuff only to provide background and a starting point, and from there I want to explore the hope and light and all the small "do-able" ways to find the way through, in hopes that it not only helps me but maybe someone else who is also struggling.

Most of us are hurting in some way; many of us find ourselves fumbling our way to new horizons that we're forced to redefine because of loss and fallout and rugs being pulled out from underneath us. We need hope that we can find safe pathways through the tough stretches of road, and light to help us find our footing in the strange new surroundings that we face when new upheavals leave us lost without an updated roadmap.

I don't know if my struggles help anyone else. I do know I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in blind faith that one day the light and hope that I try to infuse into my writings become my own and not just borrowed from catchy quotes and beautiful Googled pictures.

Now Is Right On Time

Somebody posted this on my Facebook wall last night and it sent me to bed with gratitude in my heart because for several days now, I've been in a bit of a funk. It was triggered by hearing about a family reunion that took place recently - and to which I was not invited. And yet I heard about it only because people contacted me to say that they were sorry I hadn't been able to make it - apparently they all thought that it had been too far for us to drive. But after searching through my email and phone messages, we're sure that we received nothing about being welcome to join the gathering. It would not have bothered me so much to hear that everyone had gotten together...it only bothered me to hear that they THOUGHT I had been invited and just didn't show up. When in fact, I've been so hungry for family lately that nothing would have kept me away had I known I would be welcome.

So then I've been haunted and plagued by the relentless "why" running helter-skelter through my mind ever since. And that caused another avalanche of regrets and despair, and those old familiar feelings of inferiority and worthlessness because in my mind, the lack of invitation affirmed the fear that my life has been such a disaster and taken such questionable twists and turns as to render me unacceptable in the eyes and hearts of this part of my family. "Beyond Redemption" so to speak.

In my saner, wiser moments, I'm convinced beyond doubt that there is no such thing as being "beyond redemption". I've experienced the mercy and grace of God to such profound and tangible extents, that it is impossible for me to believe that any one of us could ever be beyond His love. And yet, there I was, lost and wallowing in those old fears that I could be wrong and that maybe....

But I resolutely fought back against that tide of despair, clinging to my faith and to the lessons I've learned about God's Love. I wrestled with these old regrets and ancient tapes in my head, and prayed for help in my endeavor to refocus on the positive and good - on GOD'S loving vision for my life - I mean, we can't go back and rewrite history, can we...and having experienced His mercy and tender compassion, it's impossible to conceive that we would be forever banned from His Presence because of stupid choices we've made in the past. The only sane way to keep oneself going is to believe that there is good that can come out of anything and everything...that we can grow and evolve and perhaps even become wounded healers, able to help others who are also lost and wounded along their way.

So I prayed, and wept, and prayed some more, and read inspirational writings, and prayed, nagging Him with my angst and moanings, crawling into His Love for solace, and then slowly began to regain my footing to the point where I could let go of all of that garbage. And then a friend, who knew nothing of all of this, posted this quote on my wall. For me it was the perfect answer to my prayers...a tender, loving response from a tender, loving God who knows the crushing disappointment I feel about myself all too often, who knows the agonizing sadness of those regrets and my ongoing attempts to fumble my way to "better" and "wiser".

My journey has molded me for my greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. I can believe that none of it was lost (or wasted) time - because it has taken EACH and EVERY situation - every twist and turn has had its lessons and wisdoms that He needed me to learn - to bring me to my - not just "my", but HIS "now" for me - and this "now", here today, is RIGHT ON TIME! Hallelujah!!

Maybe my invitation was lost in the mail. Maybe they were just meant to be together the way they gathered, for reasons more profound than any of us know. Now it's okay. I'm okay. I trust again. There will be other gatherings, and the time will be right for me to be there. God answered. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And it is very very good.